How can something be the worst and best thing that’s ever happened? I’ve never FELT so much in my life. Joy, sadness, hope, fear, excitement, resentment, disappointed & peace all in a years time. Everyone goes through trials in life. It makes up who we are and builds our character, strength & faith in God. It’s our story… our testimony. I feel like these things are for a purpose. Maybe this was my purpose. Maybe I can shine a little light for someone else.
My Sister-in-law said something the other day that really made me think. She said this time last year we were both pregnant… I realized then that I’d been expecting for a year.
My story begins…
September 2, 2016 we found out we were expecting our first baby. I never dreamed the journey that day would bring. We couldn’t believe that after trying for the first time, we were going to be parents. Let me backtrack for a moment. My husband and I were both getting ready to turn 30 this year, and had been together for a decade. We just took our time getting married and starting a family. It was finally the “right time” for us. I’ve wanted to be a Mom for YEARS, but wanted to be sure we were both ready. Anyways, we were so excited! It didn’t even feel real! Was I dreaming? This is what I’ve always wanted. I must have taken 5 different tests. How could I watch my closest friends battle with the pain of infertility and somehow mine was so easy? Maybe my waiting was the last few years before trying? It’s fine… I was going to be a Mama!
A whole 4 weeks pregnant and of course we couldn’t hold in the news! We immediately told our family, close friends & co-workers. Everyone felt the joy of this baby.
My friend, Daphne sent me the most beautiful words. “This baby is set apart! This child has already been blessed by Almighty God. Just to know Him and know he knew this baby before conception. You pray for this child every day as if he or she were already here! Pray for his future, pray for his/her spouse, pray for a hedge of protection over him/her, lay your hands on your tummy daily and pray pray pray! I’m so happy for you. I’m so happy to be a part of this journey. You are already a better mother than I could ever think of being… You were born to be a mother. I love you so much, and we are going to love this precious angel from heaven more than anything.”
It was early and I had just witnessed someone close to me miscarry, but I was going to stay positive and enjoy this moment. I am a planner by nature. It’s a good and bad thing! Cotton season was in full bloom, and I decided that would make the perfect announcement. I found the sweetest little rocking chair for the pictures. Did I mention my Best Friend & Sister-in-law were expecting babies in November & February? It was just PERFECT! My best friend waited 4 long years for this baby boy, and it was going to be so exciting to both finally be moms together.
The last week in September I started spotting. I was going on 8 weeks. It started off very light and slowly progressed from there. The nurse didn’t seem too concerned, so I shrugged it off. My appointment was coming up the following week, so I’d just see if it got any worse. So many people said it was normal or “I pretty much had a full cycle while I was pregnant” I had no idea what to expect. After all…I’d never been pregnant before. I had awaited this appointment for so long to finally see our sweet baby on the black and white screen. Monday, October 10th, I quickly realized today wouldn’t be that day. God needed our angel in heaven. I wasn’t in the least bit prepared for what the morning would bring emotionally and physically. We went to the Doctor’s office that morning as planned. The empty ultrasound screen was hard to see. When we left the office, we were feeling alright about everything. Maybe we were still in shock. I didn’t cry much that day. We were so blessed to have the support of family and friends all around. So many people knew we were expecting, so I decided to let everyone know at one time about our loss. We were overwhelmed with uplifting messages from others that had been in our shoes. I felt like I was not alone in this. We had made our peace about the baby. We knew deep down something wasn’t right and God knew best. Of course there were tough days ahead, but I dug deep into God’s word for the answers.
John 14:27 King James Version (KJV)
27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
The doctor gave us the okay to have one cycle and try again when we were ready. We miscarried October 10th, I had a cycle November 10th and we tried two weeks following. My heart wasn’t in it. I quit taking my vitamins and just didn’t care. I thought if I went into it with that attitude, I wouldn’t get my hopes up again. I was wrong…the test came back negative and I had my first break down. Maybe it’s just not my time. Maybe I’m just needing to be there for my best friend and sister-in-law. My baby sister was getting married in January too, so this was their time and I need to be their support.
Crew Edward Sullivan was born November 5, 2016! My heart was so full! My Stephanie deserved this precious gift more than anything!
We were getting into our busy Christmas season at work, so that kept my mind off things. You learn quickly when trying to conceive that it’s all about WAITING. You wait for your cycle, then wait two weeks to ovulate and then another two weeks to take a pregnancy test. Your whole life revolves around every two weeks. This month I decided to try something new. I bought an ovulation test. TTC ladies will get me when I say my app, calendars, calculations & ovulation tests were all in line for December 19-25th.
So we tried. This time I was ready to give this another shot. It was Christmas week, so that had to be a good thing. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I kept telling Don I think I’m pregnant. I’m pretty sure I took 5 tests that were all negative. So I decided to just wait for my period and not worry about the taking anymore tests. My sister’s wedding was Friday, January 6, 2017. We were super busy setting up and getting ready for the big day. I was an emotional wreck. The wedding was beautiful, and I couldn’t be happier for my baby sister!
We left that night to stay with my Mama in Laurel. The next morning Mom and I were out shopping and I told her to pull into Walgreens. I couldn’t stand it! I also found the perfect nude lipstick on my hunt for another test! I got the good kind this time…digital! Those lines though…. —– It seems likes FOREVER!
I couldn’t believe it! Here with my family to share in the news! We shared with close friends and family that day. They knew how much we were wanting a baby. I went to the doctor that following week and they gave me a due date of September 15th…Ladd’s birthday! We were so excited and relieved. This was the answer to our prayers. We just needed to go through a tough time to truly appreciate this precious baby. I bought every little gender neutral outfit I could find. THIS WAS IT! I am not losing faith!
I celebrated my 30th Birthday the following week! What a perfect gift!
Inauguration Day January 20, 2017
I started spotting that afternoon. This time I knew exactly what was happening. I had immediate orders to go to the ER that evening. I tried watching the news in the waiting room to keep my mind off the thought of what was coming. I went back to the ultrasound room. She was searching for my baby. For the first time I knew there was a baby to be seen, and I couldn’t see him or her. The screen was turned for only the nurse to examine, and I had no idea what she was seeing. She kept a blank face the entire time without giving me any glimpse of hope. I stood up to get dressed and caught a little blot on the screen. We went home and anxiously waited for the doctor to call with the news. She said my levels were up, but not quite where they should be..but they were climbing. She said she could see the yolk sac, but no fetal pole. It was still early and they would check my levels again that Monday. I still felt like I didn’t know one way or another if I was going to lose this baby. I just wanted an answer. I cried all night. How could this be happening AGAIN? I can understand losing one, but two? The next week was torture. My levels were going up (which seems promising that the baby is growing) BUT they weren’t exactly doubling like they should. I just wanted someone to say, honey you are going to miscarry. I didn’t know whether to have hope or prepare for the worst. As the week progressed, I started feeling bad and knew what to anticipate.
January 28, 2017 Heaven received another angel
Don came home from our hunting camp with what seemed like a gift from God. I swear she was put there just for us. She was just what we needed.
Meet Ellie Gatlin…Our Newest Addition
She immediately fit right into our little family! We found out that she was a Golden/Great Pyraneese mix and about 3 years old. She was the sweetest girl. The night Don brought her, we literally held each other. It was like she knew.
We still had the chickens keeping me busy too. They had been my therapy through it all!
We were expecting our niece or nephew in the next two weeks. It was an exciting time for our family. It was Don’s parent’s first Grandchild and they were beaming. I felt like I needed to put my pain aside and smile. The last thing I wanted to do was to put a damper on this happy time for everyone. Meanwhile, inside I was hurting. Of course we were so happy for our brother & sister, but I was still grieving our loss at the same time. I kept everything bottled up for weeks. I thought to myself, I just went through this and people will be tired of me wanting to talk about it.
February 16, 2017
We got to the hospital early that morning to wait for this sweet surprise. Everyone was so anxious! I’m not going to lie, I was a little nervous about how I’d feel that day. My best friend even asked me midday how are you holding up? It was like God lifted my pain that day to enjoy this special moment. It was tough seeing the motions of what we would have gone through, but I didn’t want to look back at my niece’s birth and think I wasn’t happy to see her. If anything, I couldn’t wait to get her in my arms.
Lettie Elizabeth Gatlin was born
The months following I had good days and bad. It was like I knew I needed to talk about it and fully grieve, but people were scared to mention it. I know a lot of times people just don’t know what to say. They don’t want to upset you, but sometimes it’s what you need. It’s therapeutic to talk and share what you’ve been through. Some women are very private, and that’s okay too. I found I did better with the first loss by being more open. Times have changed a lot. A miscarriage was once something that was NEVER mentioned and almost shunned. It’s a time now where as women we should come together and be there for one another through these difficult times.
I dug into HIS word again for help.
Proverbs 3:5-6 King James Version (KJV)
5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
I listened to the song Thy Will by Hillary Scott over & over again. The words just resonated with me.
I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store
So, thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
At this point, I wanted answers. It has to be something wrong with me. It’s not a coincidence that you lose two babies back to back. We did a full blood panel and unfortunately everything came back normal. I say that because that would make it easy and then I’d know. I was glad to be healthy, but if I just needed a simple medication, that would be the answer to my problem. People asked us if we had considered adoption, which we had a conversation about. It wasn’t something we had ruled out for the future, but we felt strongly that we could easily get pregnant and maybe something was just off with my hormones. So now we wait and try again. Only this time it felt like it was like a game of Russian roulette. We didn’t know what was going to happen. My plan was to wait a good 3 months this time. We ended up waiting 2. By now, I think my husband was getting pretty eager for a baby. It was April now and Easter was getting close. I wanted to spend it with my family in Mississippi so bad, but it didn’t work out that weekend. I was almost dreading the day that normally I love. It ended up being a fun day with Don’s parents and our Sister-in-law’s family for Lettie’s first Easter.
That afternoon when we got home, I couldn’t stop crying. Don didn’t understand why I was still crying about something that happened months ago. Maybe I needed real help. I found a therapist that night. I would call her tomorrow and maybe make an appointment just to talk about what’s happened.
The next morning I had a dentist appointment for a routine cleaning. My gums usually bleed a little, but this time it was A LOT. I got to work and told the girls about my gums, and they said go get a pregnancy test. Apparently bloody gums are a sign you’re pregnant. I was not trying to rush the pregnancy tests this time, but I ran across the street and picked one up just to humor them.
3rd Time’s A Charm
This time we were going to monitor things very closely.
THIS was my devotional the morning of my first appointment
The morning we FINALLY get to see our baby on the screen and hear his heartbeat.
This was it. Smiling right at us! 5 Weeks
The next week a friend invited me to the Unique Women’s Conference for the weekend. I immediately said yes. After the year I’d had, I needed to be revived. I wanted to praise God for this gift he’d given us. I prayed the whole way there.. God I’m ready.. show me… my heart and mind are open for your words. Boy did he show me. You know how people say “that preacher was preaching directly to me”… well God made his message loud and clear! To the point our entire row was sobbing knowing our situation.
The message was about Hannah in the Book of Samuel. Coincidentally my Sister-in-law is Hannah.
She longed for a Son, but couldn’t have children. She suffered deep pain for not being able to be a mother, but she never gave up hope that God would answer her prayer. God gave her a son named Samuel. The speaker talked about many women dealing with infertility and putting on a smile while hosting baby shower after baby shower for friends. She said the thing about Hannah was that no matter what, she never abondoned her post. She wanted to be a mother and she was not going to lose faith in that. We give up too quickly if things don’t just happen easily for us. It was definitely hard seeing others have no problems getting pregnant and having perfectly healthy babies. You can’t help but to have some resentment. It’s in our nature, but you can’t let yourself go there. It’s not about their journey in this life, it’s about yours.
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps -Proberbs 16:9
The one thing I can say is we never gave up. We kept trying. It wasn’t always easy, but we never gave up hope. In our hearts, we knew we were going to be parents.
My little Peanut was growing. My Doctor started me on progesterone and everything was looking good! 7 Weeks
It’s amazing what 2 weeks can do! Just like that, it looks like we have a baby! 10 weeks!
I only had a few more weeks to go to get past the 12 week hurdle! I’d never made it that far, but I felt good about this one. We had everyone praying for this sweet baby.
June 14th we celebrated our 3rd Anniversary! Despite the year we had, we managed to stick together and grow closer because of it.
12 Weeks! Yay! We could finally announce our BABY! I also felt pretty sure I could tell the gender at our appointment, but it was still pretty early to know for sure!
We’re so excited to announce our precious Baby Gatlin arriving December 2017! “For this child I have prayed” Samuel 1:27
We made it through the 1st Trimester! We were feeling so grateful.
Now for the Gender….
I had this on my kitchen table an entire week without peeking! I knew it would be so worth the wait!
We had invited family and friends over for the gender reveal. The morning of the reveal I was feeling pretty nervous. My mom and I were sitting on the back porch with a cup of coffee, and I said what if something happens and everyone has come for this. She said leave it to the Lord, my child. Right at that time a rainbow appeared. That’s the rainbow pictured in the beginning. A rainbow is God’s promise. It has also become the symbol for the healthy baby of expecting parents after a miscarriage. The rain is the grief of losing a child, and the rainbow brings light as a symbol of hope.
It was the first weekend in July, so what better way to find out than FIREWORKS!
IT’S A BOY!!!!!
Greyson Shelby Gatlin
“Every good and perfect gift comes from above” -James 1:17
After I was well into this pregnancy, I was finally feeling ready to go back to visit the other two. In a way, I was thankful for what they had brought me in our short time together. Each baby gave me a little hope that I was going to be a Mother one day. Some women go through life never even seeing that positive test. They had also changed who I’d become and opened my heart to things I’d never felt before. When I went to the site, to my surprise, my MIL had made a little special memorial. It was just beautiful. It’s my little reminder of where we’ve been and what blessings the future holds.
I’ve thought a lot about sharing our experience for sometime now, but wasn’t sure if I wanted to put it all out there. One morning God urged me to just start writing. I did a lot of searching for answers throughout my time, and I’m hoping maybe someone will get some encouragement from my story. I reflect back and realize God knew exactly what we was doing. He had a plan. Now we wait & continue to pray for our baby Greyson!
Simply Southern 